How many people just like myself have found themselves saying yes when in fact they wanted to say NO.
How many people have found themselves going somewhere when they actually wanted to stay at home just because you don't want to disappoint someone?
I found this video very enlightening and informative and thought this might help some of you who are struggling with setting boundaries. Why do we feel this need to be accepted and liked by everyone much to our detriment? How do you begin to heal the disease of "people pleasing?". The first step comes from identifying the root cause of the need to please. Why do you want to please everyone so much? For me it stems from my childhood.
As I grew older I became the "nice" child. I was naughty and made my mistakes like every child, but nonetheless I was the "nice" one. I always was dependable and always went the extra mile to make everyone smile even if I was the butt of the joke. Until one day my mother bought it to her mothers attention that , my child is being bullied where we lived at the time. My maternal grandmother was a Queen , lived like one and carried herself like one. She sat me down and explained to me that I was not allowed to let anyone make me feel less than and I DID NOT HAVE to tolerate anyone's nonsense. My grandmother explained to me the importance of standing up for yourself and SPEAKING MY TRUTH.
Throughout my Primary School years I could never say NO. Every answer was yes, I was dying of the "people's pleasing disease until my grandmother started to cure me. The moment I started standing up for myself it was called disrespect but I never stopped. I got tired of being "nice". I then started being mean to people who did not deserve because I guess there were people who were mean to me, you know what they say about "hurt people , hurting people". The hurting went on for a while until I got kicked out of my school group, but I do not think I was mature enough to understand what was happening at the time.
Fast forward to the pain of being rejected by "my friends" , it is then I met new friends who I later learned were also feeling rejected at the time we met. I learned compassion and started to be a little mindful of the words I would use because these friends loved me enough to call me out on my bullshit. My speech changed and entire trajectory of life started to shift and be more positive. But the day I watched the movie Spiderman and the scene where Uncle Ben was dying , he said to Peter " with great power, comes great responsibility" is the day I realised the power of my voice and words. For years I was stuck between either not using my voice or later on using my voice to do bad. I had to teach myself to use my voice to communicate how I was feeling in a positive way.
Years later another defining moment was meeting my friend Holly Ndlovu a young man who I believe taught me how to say NO. I had never been in the presence of someone who was so self confident and would say NO!!! with so much conviction and meant it. He never gave false hope and say things like "I will think about it " or "let me sleep on it". His answer was either YES or NO! Matthew 5:37, The World English Bible translates the passage as:
- "But let your
- ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’ and your ‘No’ be ‘No.’
- Whatever is more than these is of the evil one".
There are five different types:
Physical. This refers to your personal space, your privacy, and your body. You might be someone who is comfortable with public displays of affection (hugs, kisses, and hand-holding), or you might be someone who prefers not to be touched in public.
Sexual. These are your expectations concerning intimacy. Sexual comments and touches might be uncomfortable for you.
Intellectual. These boundaries concern your thoughts and beliefs. Intellectual boundaries are not respected when someone dismisses another person’s ideas and opinions.
Emotional. This refers to a person’s feelings. You might not feel comfortable sharing your feelings about everything with a friend or partner. Instead, you prefer to share gradually over time.
Financial. This one, as you guessed, is all about money. If you like to save money — not spend it on trendy fashions — you might not want to loan money to a friend who does.
Here are 10 ways to set and maintain good boundaries:
Not sure how to go about creating boundaries or effectively uphold existing ones? Here are some of the best approaches to try.
Enjoy some self-reflection
To successfully introduce and set boundaries, it’s key to understand why they’re each important to you and how they will benefit your emotional well-being.
“Take some time to be a detective of your own psychology,” suggests Baker. “So often stuff happens to people and they feel uncomfortable, but they’re not sure why. The first step in having healthy boundaries in any situation is spending the time to explore what’s happening to you.”
Start small
If you don’t have many boundaries in place already, the prospect of introducing more might seem overwhelming — so build them up slowly.
Doing so allows you to take things at a more comfortable pace, and it provides time to reflect on whether it’s heading in the right direction or if you need to make some tweaks.
Set them early
“Sometimes it can be really hard to start putting boundaries in, especially in pre-existing relationships,” says Dr. Quinn-Cirillo. “If you can put in boundaries straight away, it’s a lot easier to work with.”
By setting boundaries and expectations from the very beginning, everyone knows where they stand, and feelings of hurt, confusion, and frustration can be lessened.
Be consistent
Letting boundaries slide can lead to confusion and encourage new expectations and demands among those around you.
Try keeping things consistent and steady. This helps to reinforce your original thresholds and beliefs, and it ensures those lines remain clearly established.
Create a framework
Dr. Quinn-Cirillo notes that boundaries “vary depending on the type of relationship.” However, if you find it helpful, there’s no reason not to have a few basics in place that can be adapted accordingly.
Consider getting an hour or two of alone time each weekend. This boundary could apply whether you live with a partner, have a busy social schedule with friends, or are close with your family.
Feel free to add extras
In some aspects of our lives, there are boundaries already in place — such as in the workplace. But consider these the minimum. Colleagues will likely have some of their own in place, and it’s okay for you to add some too.
Doing so may even enhance your performance.
Be aware of social media
These platforms allow for more communication than ever, but they’ve also encouraged some considerable boundary blurring.
“There’s some incredible oversharing happening,” Baker states, and research shows that over half of us are concerned that family and friends will post personal information or photos that we don’t want shared publicly.
If you deem a particular action as boundary-crossing in real life, your concerns are no less valid when it occurs digitally. “You don’t have to expose yourself to social media that’s distressing you,” she adds.
Talk, talk, talk
Communication is critical in the world of boundaries, especially if someone consistently oversteps yours. While you might need to raise your concerns, these discussions need not be confrontational.
For example, if you have a friend who sends messages nonstop, Dr. Quinn-Cirillo suggests saying something along the lines of, “‘I can see you really wanted to get hold of me, but the best thing to do is drop me a message, and I’ll get back to you when I can.’” This gently highlights their behavior while simultaneously asserting your threshold.
Be your biggest champion
For boundaries to have a strong foundation, you need to show yourself a bit of love, notes Baker. “If you’ve got a narrative in your head that says you’re worthless and undeserving, then you’re going to find it difficult to put boundaries in place that protect you,” she says. “A lot of it comes down to self-worth and self-value.”
It doesn’t take much to start encouraging this mindset either, adds Baker. The more you engage in activities “that release feel-good hormones, like singing, running, or whatever you want to do — things that feed your own heart — then that’s going to help change your internal dialogue and make you feel more deserving.”
Gain some perspective
Not having boundaries can be detrimental to our mental health, but going too far and over-thinking them can also impact our emotional well-being, reveals Dr. Quinn-Cirillo.
“Get a healthy level of thinking about boundaries,” she says. “Have some but don’t be dictated by them. Sometimes you’ve just got to go with your gut instinct. We can forget that we’re actually quite good at navigating most things and are quite intuitive as human beings.”- https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries.
I hope this assists someone who is struggling with being too nice and is being used for their kindness. It is time to stand up for yourself and understand that you cannot be everything for everyone all the time. In as much as it is good to say YES, know that it is also good to say NO.
-Ms_Curvy
