Diary of a mad black woman

I haven't had the strength or energy to write or post anything lately.Firstly I am pissed and secondly I feel defeated.Today I thought let me put my hands on the keyboard and just let my emotions flow.I finally know the emotions I am going through and those are anger and denial. I am angry at God,I wonder ho many people will scoff at that and take the high road. There I said it,I am very angry. I am angry and in denial that she's gone and he took her from us.I know she wasn't ours to begin with but then why give her to us, allow us to know her and love her and the just take her away.

What annoys me even more is everyone who just expects me to be fine and get over it. If someone says "everything happens for a reason"one more time I will ex communicate them for life. Things happen in your life for a reason clearly and you see and understand that reason, so go away with that mess I am not interested. If there ever was a reason for this, then all I am saying is it better be good.

 I have tried but I swear this wont get any better or go away. I have put myself in other people who have lost loved ones,shoes cause mine were pinching me and painful. After trying on those shoes I realised their shoes were either too big,high or too small to fit at all. I realised mine were meant for me and I must just get used to walking in them,corns and all.

.Everyone keeps telling me she was waiting for me, before she could leave. I understand that looking back at the phone calls and her telling me she's not feeling well and that she wanted to see me. When she deposited the money for the trip, it was a done deal, Soweto it was. I remember I boarded the last taxi from Polokwane to Johannesburg with the hopes of surprising her. She had been frustrated the whole day and calling my mom asking her where I was, she said she was waiting the whole day to hear my voice outside. I told myself irregardless of the time, I was going to see her that day and I did.

Our week together was filled with laughter, smiles,advice and a few tears. I believe people know when it's their time to go and she did. She was at peace with what she had done on this earth and kept telling me she's going. I laughed it off like I always do, but then when the days went on and she continued I started mourning her before she even went. Whatever she wanted me to do, no matter how tired I was I did. I did it just like she had all my life,she never complained. I woke up to the cleanest house and wore the cleanest clothes, thanks to her. I remember I told her in one of our conversations and thanked her for that.

She was in pain for the past 18 years so part of me says it would be selfish of me to still want her here. She held on for as long as she could, my mom and I console ourselves with that thought. She was my grandmother,my mother,my sister, my friend and my advise column. Whenever I was down I would call her to sing with me or sing me one of her favourite choruses and that would lift my spirits. She left me on the 27th of March 2013 after we had taken her to the Doctor because she had taken a turn for the worst the previous day. I was with her, she insisted i go with her and not let go of her hand. I left for five minutes to get air and clarity, the only thing I remember was her friend who we were with calling me back. The only thing I remember then was the Doctor on her chest. That was the beginning of the end.

She is gone. I believe in angels because of her, she was one on this earth so she's continuing wherever she is. The fact that she did not stick around long enough to ride in my car, meet my husband or live in the house I was going to build her in my yard, hurts and eats me up inside. They say she's watching over me, honestly I can feel it sometimes but not in moments like this when I am trying to make sense that my Gogo_Logo is gone. My chest and throat hurt most if not all of the time.

I would have loved her to physically see the person I turn out to be. She laboured for me to be who and what I am today, I didn't want her passing to be in vain. I am however happy I was there when she crossed over to the other side, I know she will keep my seat next to her warm. I console my fact that she is reunited with her maker, her two children and her dear husband. I have a band of angels, I am surrounded and protected. I love you Nomvula Margaret Zwane, I ,miss you everyday and I will not stop. Your blood flows in my veins and I will make sure I do you proud and teach my children and grandchildren the same things you taught me, love,compassion,fellowship,laughter and cleanliness. I will mourn you and cry for you until I cannot anymore.

Lala Ngoxolo Mapule, you always made it rain my angel. Every time it rains I will jump around in it and let it pour all over me in your memory. I know that you're watching, everywhere I am. I will save a seat for you at my graduation ceremony.Needless to say my emotional unavailability will continue until further notice. Until i accept and live with this, then I will say time is the healer of things..until then...i will take every day as it comes.